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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 22 Dec 2014 :  7:02:22 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I love Christmas lights!

They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together, half of them don't work,

and the ones that do, aren't all that bright
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 22 Dec 2014 :  7:05:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The importance of water



Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.


Reporter : When do you drink water?

Hattie : I've never been that sick.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 22 Dec 2014 :  7:07:48 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A spelling lesson.

Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?



Do you know that the word race car spelled backwards still spells race car?



And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?



Had have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, rag-headed, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.?"





Now how weird is that?


Edited by - bnorris_74 on 22 Dec 2014 7:10:39 PM
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3405 Posts

Posted - 24 Dec 2014 :  12:13:15 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Very!


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7215 Posts

Posted - 24 Dec 2014 :  07:24:40 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 30 Jan 2015 :  8:31:30 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY

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cortcomp
Coyote

USA
5335 Posts

Posted - 31 Jan 2015 :  12:16:19 AM  Show Profile  Visit cortcomp's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Hah! Best thing i've seen in awhile.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 31 Jan 2015 :  08:11:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QinQAhMxHtg
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 04 Feb 2015 :  2:39:54 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show

responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!




Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



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67drake
Sitting Duck

Azerbaijan
1501 Posts

Posted - 09 Aug 2015 :  10:05:41 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."



71' GTO Original 400 M20 3.23 posi
13.95@102.1 MPH on street tires
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 10 Aug 2015 :  9:01:56 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A rugby fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!

The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says---------

'Had him circumcised...'

Â
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 11 Aug 2015 :  10:29:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Bnorris_74 the good old days of the Hollywood Squares.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 10 Oct 2015 :  09:50:21 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Best Sex Ever

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 20 Nov 2015 :  11:41:41 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Jimmy Dean

http://now8news.com/jimmy-dean-sausage-in-walmart-bathroom/
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 21 Nov 2015 :  8:58:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I'm glad I recognized that one before I clicked on it.I just ate.

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js292
Sitting Bull

USA
128 Posts

Posted - 19 Feb 2016 :  5:14:43 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: Some A*&&%$@ wants to buy half a head of lettuce.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

Canada Sir, the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada, the manager asked.

The boy said Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really, said the manager. My wife is from Canada.

?No crap' replied the boy. Who'd she play for?



71 Formula 455
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mike mcarthur
Pony that Jumps

USA
2475 Posts

Posted - 07 Jun 2016 :  11:44:12 PM  Show Profile  Visit mike mcarthur's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Anyone ever run into that special person that couldn't win an identify both of your parents contest if you gave them a head start?

It's the stuff you learn after you know it all that's important
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