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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 01 Mar 2013 :  2:26:32 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerf*ck."




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Nasty
Buffalo

75 Posts

Posted - 01 Mar 2013 :  11:05:35 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f$&king advice, she'll ask me for it?



=
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 04 Mar 2013 :  12:02:40 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
What would happen if a Cheetah ate too many Big Macs?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F99faLJYpo8

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 05 Mar 2013 :  09:25:33 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
LMFAO that was soooo funny. I like beer f'er

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 09 Mar 2013 :  10:03:00 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Texting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-HCs4tRw8o
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 09 Mar 2013 :  1:10:17 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That's just wrong! LOL


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 10 Mar 2013 :  3:40:00 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That is wrong but glad he is not the mayor if ti!!y city.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 12 Mar 2013 :  6:36:26 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
This one's old:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.


He decides to test it out at dinner one night.



The father asks his son what he did that day.



The son says, "I did some school work."



The robot slaps the son.



The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."



Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?" Son says, "Toy Story."



The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."



Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."



The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."



The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 16 Mar 2013 :  1:52:39 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park......." Then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"


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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 19 Mar 2013 :  11:48:45 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
haaaaahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 20 Mar 2013 :  1:08:28 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
1958 Leave It To Beaver

First mention of sex on TV

June told Ward he was a little hard on the Beaver last night.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 20 Mar 2013 :  2:18:44 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
^^^^ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76p_ncbffCE


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.

Edited by - Blued and Painted on 20 Mar 2013 4:55:17 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 20 Mar 2013 :  11:16:11 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gXOV_XWJck

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 21 Mar 2013 :  07:02:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Wow I guess we are that dumb.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Kiwi Mal
Cochise

New Zealand
690 Posts

Posted - 22 Mar 2013 :  01:37:02 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 22 Mar 2013 :  12:00:59 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thats just wrong.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 23 Mar 2013 :  09:25:47 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 31 Mar 2013 :  11:11:03 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Happy Easter.



Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 07 Apr 2013 :  5:13:52 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
*A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************************
**Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and
handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in
place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
*********************************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the
theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her
deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
**********************************
**After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time..
********************************
**The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
********************************
**'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..


**

Wait for it ... ....
**

**


It's coming ..... ....
**
**


She said ......





.........................................................."but you just happened to catch my eye!"




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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 11 Apr 2013 :  09:55:51 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Subject: retired husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 Apr 2013 :  10:05:27 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very

difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was

no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought

of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker

responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,

like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample

ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee

was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing

to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would

have to think the matter over carefully. The following

day, he announced that he would accept their offer,

but only under five conditions:

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the
lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt
Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this

condition.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come
up with the $500.00.


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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 18 Apr 2013 :  3:53:29 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=n6mbW-jMtrY&feature=player_detailpage
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 18 Apr 2013 :  4:10:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Talk about losing faith in my fellow man. SAD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2diNojgJF9c
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 23 Apr 2013 :  2:47:31 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Is that real or a joke?

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.

Edited by - rad400 on 23 Apr 2013 2:47:56 PM
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 23 Apr 2013 :  5:54:51 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by rad400

Is that real or a joke?



Real. The guy getting to people to sign the petition was doing it for a gag but sadly the people did not get it.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 23 Apr 2013 :  9:26:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Very sad, wondering where they were. California, Florida, Massachusetts?


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Apr 2013 :  2:50:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Heavenly Arrivals
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your freakin' bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 28 Apr 2013 :  8:27:33 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahahaahhaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 01 May 2013 :  12:48:18 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Circumcision Disqualifies a Politician in the USA

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an
Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" .
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied...."To become a politician. you have to be a complete prick .

I believe this could be applied to DHS secretary Janet Incompatano??

I want a LS engine in my Pontiac
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 28 May 2013 :  3:30:55 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 06 Jun 2013 :  08:36:10 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Tree Removal

http://www.break.com/video/the-absolute-stupidest-tree-removal-you-ll-see-today-2451232
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 06 Jun 2013 :  09:37:53 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
can not view.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 06 Jun 2013 :  11:58:23 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by rad400

can not view.



Odd. Works for me.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 15 Jun 2013 :  3:17:58 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Family Dinner Party


My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 16 Jun 2013 :  11:39:47 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Priceless!



Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 16 Jun 2013 :  3:15:33 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

"Am sitting on the toilet. Please advise."






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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 22 Jun 2013 :  4:42:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Did you know??

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman,Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max... on the controls.


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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 23 Jun 2013 :  07:12:35 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max... on the controls.

True story.

Oddly enough their cousins invented the automatic transmission.

Care to guess their names?
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 23 Jun 2013 :  1:33:00 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Paul,robert,Nick,Don & Lou?

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 25 Jun 2013 :  07:20:08 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 30 Jun 2013 :  8:58:38 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e5w64ueVKM&feature=youtu.be

Hitler finds out his HEMI 'Cuda is a fake.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 30 Jun 2013 :  9:29:21 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock!!! He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me........

"This morning my golf pro instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.


Edited by - Cobrabill on 30 Jun 2013 9:30:07 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 06 Jul 2013 :  9:19:25 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Sh*tty shot

PHOENIX - Authorities say a 61-year-old Phoenix property owner shot a 26-year-old man after the owner found the man sleeping on his property and the man refused to clean up his feces.

Phoenix Police Department Sgt. Tommy Thompson said the bizarre shooting occurred early Saturday morning.

According to police, the 61-year-old told the younger man to leave but found feces close to where the man was sleeping. Police say the owner demanded that the feces be removed but the man just walked away.

Investigators say that's when the owner chased the man down, the pair got into a fight and the younger man swung a chain. Police say the owner then shot the younger man in the chest.

The wounded man was taken to a nearby hospital and is expected to survive.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 09 Jul 2013 :  5:02:52 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck," as he says to himself. I really need a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he'll give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One. "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a damn beer."

The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour it he turns to the cowboy with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 13 Jul 2013 :  3:16:09 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm5JGX2or-s

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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 13 Jul 2013 :  4:12:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That's just wrong but funny as all Hell at the same time.

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 13 Jul 2013 :  6:27:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Talk about clueless.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 13 Jul 2013 :  6:31:49 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The Nun - brilliant
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 15 Jul 2013 :  5:33:19 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
All clear on the port side.

http://www.break.com/video/massive-cement-carrier-slowly-crushes-yachts-in-marina-2488656
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 15 Jul 2013 :  6:16:02 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Cobrabill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm5JGX2or-s


Well, there's that. The National Transportation Safety Board intern who confirmed four fake, (racist!) names as those of the pilots of Asiana flight 214 has been let go.

RELATED: Asiana Isn't Ready to Forgive KTVU for Racist Pilot Name 'Joke'

The intern prompted an apology from the NTSB on Friday after it turned out he or she confirmed the fake names in response to a media query from KTVU. The California TV station then went on-air with the "confirmed" names, which were, well, pretty obviously made up and offensive.

RELATED: A Flash of Light Didn't Blind the Asiana 214 Pilot

On Sunday, Asiana Airlines indicated that they were considering legal action against KTVU in response to the incident, which the airline says has "badly damaged" its reputation. While it looked like the airline was originally considering legal action against the NTSB, they've decided to file a suit against KTVU only, according to a statement on Monday from an airline spokesperson to CNN: "After a legal review, the company decided to file a lawsuit against the network because it was their report that resulted in damaging the company's image."

It's still not clear where the names came from, though the San Francisco Chronicle notes that they probably originated at the station ? the (ex) NTSB intern, who shouldn't have been making statements on behalf of the agency anyway, reportedly confirmed the names in response to a question from a news outlet.

The intern's name is No Mo Job

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 15 Jul 2013 6:16:59 PM
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