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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 17 Dec 2012 :  1:23:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Miscommunication


The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 18 Dec 2012 :  08:03:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Hahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 18 Dec 2012 :  10:59:08 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up again!!



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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 18 Dec 2012 :  11:05:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Incredibly stupid but funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9mb8zrXzRQ

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 18 Dec 2012 :  1:24:03 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Bill gets invited to go bar hopping after work by his coworkers.

Bill told them no, he can't control himself, usually ends up sick and throws up on himself causing his wife to read him the riot act.

They assured Bill that it would only be for a couple of drinks and everything would be fine. He finally agrees.

Two drinks turns into 20 and Bill gets sick and throws up on himself. Upset with himself, Bill confronts the guys telling them I told you so! My wife is going to be pi$$ed.

One of the guys tells him not to worry, he has a trick that he can use.

He tells Bill to put a $10 bill in his pocket and when his wife starts complaining about him puking on himself Bill should just tell her that some drunk guy came up to him, thought he knew him, hugged him and then threw up on his shirt.

The story continues that Bill's supposed to tell his wife that the guy felt embarrassed about throwing up on him and gave him $10 to get his shirt cleaned.

Sure enough, Bill goes home and the wife is raging mad. Bill tells her the story like he was told and she reaches into his pocket and pulls out two $10 bills. She asks why there are two $10 bills when he said the guy gave him $10 for the throw up. Bill tells her "Well he $hit in my pants too."

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 18 Dec 2012 1:26:24 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 21 Dec 2012 :  3:54:59 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Now that i'm wearing my new pants..........

I'm in COSTCO today getting a Galaxy III.(Look out Phil-now i can resend that"half ton PU" to you from anywhere).The guy and i were talking and this stellar(and i do mean STELLAR)50+ women walks by.She was well "preserved in addition to some "help",but she was F'ing gorgeous.We were both watching her and we hear:"HEY!They're not real she says referring to the woman we were looking at.We turn and we realize that it came from this ....this...this hag.I mean if you woke up next to her,you'd scream like Homer Simpson and run thru the wall.So this mobile skank thought it was her business to comment on what two complete strangers were LOOKING at.Bleeping amazing.

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 21 Dec 2012 :  8:28:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
this...this hag. this mobile skank


Sounds like some of my ex's people made their way to Arizona.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 21 Dec 2012 :  10:07:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Women have snakes for brains.



Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.

Edited by - Blued and Painted on 21 Dec 2012 10:10:02 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 22 Dec 2012 :  09:53:42 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .



In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.



Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'



He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.



His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.



As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'



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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 24 Dec 2012 :  10:58:10 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Christmas entertainment:

http://www.happyplace.com/12895/the-most-shockingly-bizarre-family-holiday-cards-ever-sent

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 04 Jan 2013 :  9:04:45 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmLHAPzsANw

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 05 Jan 2013 :  4:10:56 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A new priest, born and raised in Montana , comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No $hit, what happened next?"
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 10 Jan 2013 :  12:27:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some shell reloads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

I wasn't.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 17 Jan 2013 :  11:12:17 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband.

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desparation.

"You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR ****ING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR ****ING HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE A*&&%$@!

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 21 Jan 2013 :  12:02:59 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Dirty Johnny's Teacher asks the kids in class, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"


Johnny . "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana , a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel around the world, an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.

And you, Tanya?


"I want to be Johnny's bitch!!"



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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 21 Jan 2013 :  12:07:56 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 23 Jan 2013 :  08:39:11 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
lol nice one B&P

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 25 Jan 2013 :  5:46:04 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Speed sign - Waste of Money?

http://zanylol.com/speed_sign.html

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 27 Jan 2013 :  3:37:19 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 28 Jan 2013 :  11:02:54 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to
order a drink to celebrate Obama?s victory when he sees a guy close by
wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a
Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that
everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not
for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a
big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud
voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except
the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again
loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as
before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to
smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the
matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for
everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and
thank me. Is he nuts?"

Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 28 Jan 2013 :  11:19:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I like the speed sign video and good one CBill.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 29 Jan 2013 :  12:34:06 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote






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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 30 Jan 2013 :  11:25:30 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
BWhahahahahahahahaha LMFAO. So good.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 30 Jan 2013 :  11:49:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Crow fatality investigation

Recently, over 200 dead crows were found near Ventura, CA., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A bird pathologist from UC Berkley examined the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu,

to everyone's relief.



However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, while only 2% were killed

by car impact.



The state of California hired an ornithological behaviorist, to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages in large truck kills,

versus car kills.



The ornithological behaviorist carried out his investigations and determined the cause, as follows.



When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.



However, while the lookout crow could say "cah", it could not say "truck."



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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 30 Jan 2013 :  9:00:10 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Lmao!!!

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 31 Jan 2013 :  08:27:51 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
wow.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 31 Jan 2013 :  2:37:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Tastes like chicken!


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 05 Feb 2013 :  8:02:51 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.



"A what?" says the confused parts guy.



"My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." she replies

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" the parts guy asks



"A Datsun." she says

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on.

"Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 06 Feb 2013 :  3:14:44 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Nice. It like the 710 cap or OIL cap.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 06 Feb 2013 :  11:39:14 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Or the woman who walked into a Pontiac dealership wanting one if those sharp looking "Goolies" back in the 80's. The salesman eventually realized she had seen a 6000 LE on the road.

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.

Edited by - Phil on 06 Feb 2013 11:39:58 PM
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 07 Feb 2013 :  08:51:04 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Or 10TT cable instead of 1/0
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 08 Feb 2013 :  10:41:16 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man --

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"



**********************
ANDY ROONEY??? ON SEX ~ AND HE'S RIGHT ON ~

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
***************
Here is old age at its best

Neal and Jim met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world
problems.

One day Neal didn't show up. Jim didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Neal hadn't shown up for a week or so, Jim really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Jim didn't know where Neal lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Jim figured he had seen the last of Neal, but one day, Jim approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Neal! Jim was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Neal, what in the world happened to you?'

Neal replied, 'I been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Jim. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Neal said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Jim, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 78, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'




*******************
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50.

"As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"






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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 08 Feb 2013 :  11:12:34 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Down under. HAA HA HA HA.


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 08 Feb 2013 :  4:10:46 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Supposedly from an actual Craiglist ad. I doubt it
but I found it funny

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2012-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.



First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi, Alex

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 09 Feb 2013 07:18:39 AM
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 11 Feb 2013 :  7:57:16 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes



Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6-packs

Lady: How much per 6-pack?
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years

Lady: So one 6-pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: If in one year, you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at about $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No
Man: Where's your freakin Ferrari?



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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 11 Feb 2013 :  8:07:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
True story.

My 4 year old grandson and I are coming back from the mall yesterday.

He babbles on about everything under the sun anytime we go anywhere together.

He said " My nose hurts".

I said: "Quit picking your nose."

He said: "I try to but my arm makes my finger do it."

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 11 Feb 2013 8:08:27 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 11 Feb 2013 :  10:47:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Completely juvenile giggles


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rt6vqki_eE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28FoOutRAj0

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 12 Feb 2013 :  08:39:49 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thats alot of farting better check your draws.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 12 Feb 2013 :  11:55:22 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, Is this a union house?
No, she replied, Im sorry it isnt.
Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
The house gets $80 and the girls get $20, she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.
The man asked, And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? The girls get $80 and the house gets $20..
Thats more like it! the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde .

Id like her, he said.
Im sure you would, sir, said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, shes next and has priority choice!.

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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 13 Feb 2013 :  2:40:37 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 13 Feb 2013 :  2:52:46 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thats ruff CBill. I hate to have a 92 yr old lady.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 Feb 2013 :  11:20:20 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
How do you make 5 pounds of fat attractive? . . . . . . . . . . . . Put a nipple on it

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 Feb 2013 :  11:22:08 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote





A blonde city girl named Ashley marries an Alberta rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his
lovely bride, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate
one of our cows today, so, I drove a nail into the 2 X 4
just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him
where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.
Ashley takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows
and when Ashley sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to
be bred?"
"That's simple," she says. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains
very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 Feb 2013 :  11:22:43 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.




She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"




As the dice came to a stop,



she jumped up and down and squealed... ...."Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"



She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.














The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching


Edited by - Cobrabill on 14 Feb 2013 11:23:51 AM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 15 Feb 2013 :  3:37:06 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
An old cowboy

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 15 Feb 2013 :  7:15:41 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha to all from Bill.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 15 Feb 2013 :  8:20:31 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, **** it, soldier on!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didnt know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister. That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 21 Feb 2013 :  6:35:40 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in
my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course
in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic
to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . .


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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 25 Feb 2013 :  12:50:27 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I like track and field. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fruimvo90vA


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Feb 2013 :  6:08:16 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


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