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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 06 Aug 2012 :  08:40:42 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
^hahahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 06 Aug 2012 :  11:49:12 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I thought the "Sheldon Cooper" comment was spot on in the video log.

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  4:41:31 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
In the "you can't make this up"catagory,i was having a discussion with somneone about "climate change'topic and i said the earth was "cyclical".She said:"No,it's not-it's ROUND".

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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  5:32:22 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Holy Crap, I think I work with her!

BTW, to the "Climate Change" (aka weather!) sheep, there is no "discussion".

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  6:39:46 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Did you ever stop and wonder-- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate
Because they do not take medical terminology seriously




Medical Term


Redneck Definition


Artery- The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

Urine - Opposite of you're out


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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  10:26:56 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
b, your to kind to rednecks.


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.

Edited by - Blued and Painted on 07 Aug 2012 11:06:03 PM
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  10:37:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Phil, funny how the weather channel reports the heat index rather than the temperature.


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 07 Aug 2012 :  10:43:27 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thanks for those Brian, redneck dictionaries are always hilarious because we all know people who actually use some of those!

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 08 Aug 2012 :  07:51:24 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Cool Brian love rdneck stuff.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Bill Boyle
Horse Feathers (Charter Member)

USA
4795 Posts

Posted - 08 Aug 2012 :  09:17:02 AM  Show Profile  Visit Bill Boyle's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Okay, who's going to also try their hand and make a sentence (or paragraph) with some of those words. ?

I had a colic one time; he did dilate, and was one of the fester colics in town.

"Dedicated to keeping the classic Pontiac engine alive."

----
400 bored +.030, forged TRW pistons, ported 62 heads, Hedman headers, 2.5 SS dual exhaust X Pypes, Comp 276AH10 cam, Scorpion 1.65 RR, 850 Q-jet, stock intake & tuned HEI; original owner.

Edited by - Bill Boyle on 08 Aug 2012 09:19:44 AM
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 08 Aug 2012 :  09:22:56 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Bill Boyle

Okay, who's going to also try their hand and make a sentence (or paragraph) with some of those words. ?

I had a colic one time; he did dilate, and was one of the fester colics in town.



Bill, your impotenet, node it, so urine, now come up with tumor.

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 08 Aug 2012 09:24:40 AM
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Bill Boyle
Horse Feathers (Charter Member)

USA
4795 Posts

Posted - 08 Aug 2012 :  2:09:54 PM  Show Profile  Visit Bill Boyle's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Ok Brian.

I node; all Chevy owner's ain't node it alls, nor are they our enemas. Some of our cars are fester than theirs. Okay Brian now urine.

"Dedicated to keeping the classic Pontiac engine alive."

----
400 bored +.030, forged TRW pistons, ported 62 heads, Hedman headers, 2.5 SS dual exhaust X Pypes, Comp 276AH10 cam, Scorpion 1.65 RR, 850 Q-jet, stock intake & tuned HEI; original owner.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 08 Aug 2012 :  5:48:30 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I grew up in the Caesarean Section.

My neighbors got sick and we had to Barium. The funeral was arranged with us having to go thru the Bacteria.

I saw their mother and Cauterize. She was with her Colic.

She insisted she would Dilate since she didn't have an Enema in the world.

Her neighbor Pelvis, a Post Operative, stopped by and carried her couch into the Recovery Room.

Not sure what was up but I'm sure he had a Secretion.(He had a butt disease that nearly Rectum).

Anyway, he avoided a Terminal Illness by taking the bus.

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 08 Aug 2012 5:50:12 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 09 Aug 2012 :  10:42:09 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
If your wife dyes her hair camoflage.....you might be a redneck.

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PontiacMatt
Many Ponies

USA
1410 Posts

Posted - 09 Aug 2012 :  1:11:50 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
so... when's everyone coming to KY to visit me? I'll show yall just how much fester my Lemans is, aint no fibula. I got secretion under the hood, and if you node anything then you'd node that after a few years i'm gonna benigns in the quarter. I'll be the PSP seizure.

Bill, can i get tumor psp shirts?

*72' Pontiac Lemans* - Work in Progress
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 09 Aug 2012 :  2:43:23 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
CBill senuous since you was up get me a beer.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 13 Aug 2012 :  9:52:20 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Jean, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says .. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

"She's got a great body," he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. " I'll do the damm dishes!!"

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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 15 Aug 2012 :  10:58:51 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote




Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 16 Aug 2012 :  07:14:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Cbill that is so funny. B&P very nice.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 17 Aug 2012 :  1:31:07 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A teacher's story about Stuttering. A teacher is explaining biology to her reception students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a pussy-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back garden with my pussy-cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our garden!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'Yes it was,' said the little girl.


'My pussy-cat raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 17 Aug 2012 :  1:32:50 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Summer Olympics that they wish they could take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles alot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well
is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them...Oh my god, what have I just said."

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 17 Aug 2012 :  1:36:09 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'


Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


Edited by - Cobrabill on 17 Aug 2012 1:37:42 PM
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 17 Aug 2012 :  3:02:41 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahahahaha really funny.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 17 Aug 2012 :  4:16:14 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Good!


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 21 Aug 2012 :  2:13:18 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 22 Aug 2012 :  06:21:50 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Yo thats so Funny.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 23 Aug 2012 :  5:32:52 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZxhlrQ7zt8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRyRrdMKQFU&feature=relmfu

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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 23 Aug 2012 :  7:35:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost
______________
Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 6 more months

Signed, Abby
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Aug 2012 :  10:40:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjYLRLwphcs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=l3Ya6z-NlDo


Edited by - Cobrabill on 26 Aug 2012 10:41:51 AM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Aug 2012 :  3:20:55 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Aug 2012 :  5:43:43 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
This actually happened with some guys from Maine .
They dressed the truck up with the guy spread-eagled on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
They went down the Maine toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes, they went to jail. Yes, alcohol was involved.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 Aug 2012 :  10:22:03 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if its the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (thats Silent But Deadly for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. Thats when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. Im not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didnt want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadnt allowed myself to eat in years. I didnt want to be that girl so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

Thats when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasnt feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasnt having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. Im in trouble. Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

Seriously, you need to hurry Im in a lot of pain. I managed to say through gritted teeth.

Wow, its that bad? Whats wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason youre writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe Im home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, am I smelling something? sort of way. More like a is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell? sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. Roll down the windows! I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

What? Why? Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

I cant roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!

Whats going on? Rob yells back to me, Why are you then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT! he screamed.

Roll down the windows! As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes! and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Robs voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?

Get away from the door! I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

Ok, Im sorry. Are you okay?

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

Im fine, Rob just leave the shoes there. Ill call you later okay?

Okay, are you sure youre

Im fine! Get away from the door!

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last Id hear from him. I didnt think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now were married and hes laying on the couch while I type this It was your rack that saved you, he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 27 Aug 2012 :  07:08:41 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 04 Sep 2012 :  6:51:36 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Twins?

Joe Biden and Walter (Jeff Dunham's puppet)

Edited by - bnorris_74 on 04 Sep 2012 6:55:34 PM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 08 Sep 2012 :  8:54:28 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



Edited by - Cobrabill on 08 Sep 2012 8:55:11 PM
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 11 Sep 2012 :  11:21:16 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I like the Biden one.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 17 Sep 2012 :  3:54:37 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kAeN5knZMQ&feature=related


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.

Edited by - Blued and Painted on 17 Sep 2012 3:58:28 PM
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 19 Sep 2012 :  4:39:09 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Dating in 1960

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred
had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed
Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something
to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to
eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with
her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. " A s a matter of fact, she'd
screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking
about alternate plans for the evening.


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty
as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her
hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst
into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

""The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
""The damned dance is called the Twist"!!!!
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 20 Sep 2012 :  10:38:07 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahaha I like that one.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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beertracker
Cochise

350 Posts

Posted - 20 Sep 2012 :  11:46:34 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I had another joke I was going to post but it was accidentally deleted. It's called "Two Horny Dwarfs." Maybe someone else can post it. :)
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2012 :  8:36:59 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqZBeDW3rWY

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cortcomp
Coyote

USA
5338 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2012 :  8:50:56 PM  Show Profile  Visit cortcomp's Homepage  Reply with Quote
wow, what a genius. His ends are correct, his means are WAY off.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 24 Sep 2012 :  9:36:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/archive.cgi?read=241391

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 25 Sep 2012 :  8:27:52 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I will deny I sent thisStatistic - Very Frightening!

Probably one of the most frightening statistics in recent years.


25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental
illness.
That's scary - because it means 75% are running around untreated.

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 27 Sep 2012 :  07:40:21 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 28 Sep 2012 :  10:43:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Man Logic!


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice
cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated
some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful
than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice
to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like
another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.



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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 15 Oct 2012 :  10:22:38 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 15 Oct 2012 :  10:47:55 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 18 Oct 2012 :  3:28:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
It was Helen's 70th birthday!

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo .He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair,long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum...She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."

Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded so sexy!) Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?

He said, "Ma'am that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press "9" for an outside line."

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 21 Oct 2012 :  6:28:10 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Hahahahahahaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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