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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 16 Apr 2012 :  12:13:29 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked... "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped... "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said... "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"


That's all I remember. {:-(

Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 17 Apr 2012 :  8:53:04 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Cahoots
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.








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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 19 Apr 2012 :  6:59:10 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Bwhahahahahahahahaha too funny I love them.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 20 Apr 2012 :  08:16:18 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Good stuff!

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 02 May 2012 :  11:41:31 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.





Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does...

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed


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bnorris_74
Crazy Horse

USA
1442 Posts

Posted - 03 May 2012 :  06:51:49 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."


I saw that coming.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 06 May 2012 :  8:52:50 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote



I changed my iPod name to Titanic. Its syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy whos addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but Id never met herbivore.

Im reading a book about anti-gravity. I cant put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood , but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes arent funny, period.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope theres no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didnt like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldnt control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a ripoff!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Ottawa obviously governments fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now Im not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.



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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 06 May 2012 :  9:54:48 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmYDgncMhXw

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 07 May 2012 :  07:46:29 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Very funny bill keep them coming.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 07 May 2012 :  11:20:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train
departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and
started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Conrad, Im on the train yes, I know its the six thirty
and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts
office, with the boss. No sweetheart, youre the only one in my life yes, Im sure, cross my heart etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was
obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: Hey, Conrad, turn that stupid
phone off and come back to bed!

Conrad doesnt use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 07 May 2012 :  11:32:05 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 07 May 2012 :  7:17:32 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
How did u know that about me. lol

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 07 May 2012 :  9:33:45 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Sorry dude-couldn't resist.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 08 May 2012 :  8:22:23 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
obit:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/spokesman/obituary.aspx?n=larry-mckay&pid=157475783

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 08 May 2012 :  11:02:49 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how

much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00.

The Secret Service Agent offered $300.00. How ironic is it that the only person

in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?




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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 09 May 2012 :  07:34:00 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thats what happens when you want to cut money you get fired. Weird obit.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 09 May 2012 :  08:03:45 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The Prez would have commissioned a study committee, done an environmental impact review and then consulted with his cabinet before finally offering the prostitute $42,000.

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 09 May 2012 :  8:33:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
haha Phil good one.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 11 May 2012 :  12:13:41 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/boat-launch-fun.htm

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 11 May 2012 :  4:25:39 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear
very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the
store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind
the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin
bread, he has a brilliant idea.

>"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

>The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

>When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

>As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf
of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and
begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

>Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the
crowd.

>Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly
man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

>"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 13 May 2012 :  7:07:18 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahaha that is a good one.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 May 2012 :  2:13:18 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Now every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 14 May 2012 :  2:18:23 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Wow that would hurt.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 14 May 2012 :  3:07:44 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high."

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 14 May 2012 :  4:36:20 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That is just wrong.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 20 May 2012 :  1:07:57 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Job interview

http://www.snotr.com/video/9002/Lie_Detector

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 20 May 2012 :  4:31:12 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
That was wacked.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 23 May 2012 :  11:42:58 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent's tales......
A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman ( Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover inDallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead ofIllinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED....

Maybe they should NOT continue... in office!

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 23 May 2012 :  12:07:06 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Bugger


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfzUx6PiNd8

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 23 May 2012 :  1:47:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
CBill you know the saying "You can't fix stupid" and "Stupid people should not reproduce".

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 23 May 2012 :  1:58:21 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Good rednecks in the video.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 26 May 2012 :  09:46:09 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
25th Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary .



As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#%k your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


___________________________________________________________________

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER



I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.



Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."



"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."



"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

_____________________________________________________________________

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.



The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.



When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"



Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.



The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
_____________________________________________________________________



Ed and his wife Norma go to the State Fair every year, and every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied, " I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."


Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
___________________________________________________________________


The Zebra wants to know:



A question that's haunted me all of my days on earth; Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is.'
_____________________________________________________________________
























Edited by - Cobrabill on 26 May 2012 09:52:48 AM
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 28 May 2012 :  09:36:03 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahahahahhaaha

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 01 Jun 2012 :  01:59:02 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a

Communist walk into a bar.


Bartender asks ....




"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

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Phil
The Great White Buffalo

USA
7221 Posts

Posted - 01 Jun 2012 :  07:13:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Bowties are for Pee-wee Herman. "Chevy": even the name sounds cheap, but not as cheap as your Pontiac will be with an LS transplant.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 02 Jun 2012 :  9:26:34 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 02 Jun 2012 :  11:12:53 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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Blued and Painted
Chief PONTIAC

USA
3409 Posts

Posted - 04 Jun 2012 :  12:44:13 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
You know how they named Canada?

C aaa N aaa D aaa


Bull Nose Formula/ 461/ Q-Jet/
TH400/ 3.08 8.5 / R44TS.
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 05 Jun 2012 :  07:31:26 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
lol

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 08 Jun 2012 :  10:50:58 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be
at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers
began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing.

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 11 Jun 2012 :  09:22:28 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahaha that would be me. The getting lost part.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.

Edited by - rad400 on 11 Jun 2012 09:22:57 AM
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 11 Jun 2012 :  3:02:24 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://screen.yahoo.com/goodbye-csi-miami-29616463.html?pb_list=23dce613-c500-43f0-9134-70e58b73187a

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 11 Jun 2012 :  7:36:24 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Now thats funny I dont care who u are thats funny.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 18 Jun 2012 :  5:11:22 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
While sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.



Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me.



So today, bright and early, I went out and applied for a job as a truck driver.

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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 18 Jun 2012 :  10:53:37 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a
job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's
no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already crap my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 19 Jun 2012 :  08:36:10 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
hahahaha love them.

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 20 Jun 2012 :  10:00:21 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote


It's called a "barka".

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cortcomp
Coyote

USA
5338 Posts

Posted - 20 Jun 2012 :  10:11:02 AM  Show Profile  Visit cortcomp's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Hah!
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rad400
War Paint

USA
1251 Posts

Posted - 20 Jun 2012 :  10:18:40 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
lol lmfao

Conrad
79 Trans Am 400 auto Crower 60210 Torker II Holley 750 vac sec. #12 heads,3500 stall.
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Cobrabill
Talking Dog

Aruba
3128 Posts

Posted - 22 Jun 2012 :  11:09:38 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Jerry Sandusky found guilty on 45 of 48 counts!!!


In related news-Sandusky,Ohio is changing it's name to Manson,Ohio.

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cortcomp
Coyote

USA
5338 Posts

Posted - 22 Jun 2012 :  11:49:14 PM  Show Profile  Visit cortcomp's Homepage  Reply with Quote
Even better? A friend of mine from PA, is named Jerry Sovesky. Get's it all the time.
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